21 February 2008
New Look?
So you may be wondering why the office squawk is suddenly readable. I have decided to change the look. Part of the reason was every time I see a site with a black background I imagine some dirty adolescent sitting in his basement who hasn't seen the light of day for 3 weeks thinking; "Wow this site is so cool, people will have to take me serious with this web site...abandon all hope ye who enter here." But the other reason was to send a message to the other "contributers" of this blog. Seeing how Jesse and I are the only ones who post I figure we should be able to choose how this site looks (Jesse I'm not really set on this design, so feel free to let your creativity go wild, maybe we could add some unicorns throwing hand grenades at leprechauns). So to anyone who doesn't like how the site looks, I suggest you start pulling your weight (I know you have a lot of weight to pull Tom, but it isn't my fault you ate all those twinkies).
19 February 2008
Time to take the office back!
After returning to my journey to the motherland I realized that things at the office aren't the same as they used to be. I first noticed something was a miss when I was attacked by what appeared to be a gang of girls in a drunken rage. I escaped only by the help of my faithful compadre's, but I can't say the same for my former roommate Tom (Tom is never at the office any more so I can only assume that he has moved into the girl's dormitory after disowning his manhood). Latter that night I heard whispers of starting a revolt to take back the office. I tossed these aside thinking they were the ravings of a lunatic. But over the past few days I have seen the slow and painful degradation of the office. So now is the time to stand and save the office. It is time for a revolution! Not just a Ron Paul Revolution (Not that this revolution will in any way interfere with our on going efforts on that front). But it is time for an Office Revolution! We must move quick or before you know it we will be smitten with a horrible curse. Andrew will be getting pedicures and Abinadi will be going to Back Street Boy concerts if we don't act quick. So office employee's of the world UNITE!
Houston Suppliment issue 2
From McSweeney's
EXCERPTS FROM
(Jesse writing again)
Public Service Announcement: Tired of no posts on the Office Squawk? Read my blog while you're waiting. Jesse's Blog tastes more like real Dr. Pepper.
EXCERPTS FROM
THE WORST-CASE
SCENARIO SURVIVAL
HANDBOOK FOR PEOPLE
WITH ROCKET PACKS.
BY KURT W. RADEMACHER
SITUATION NO. 103
Ending a Long-Term Relationship
Remember that when someone is breaking up with you it can be just as hard on her as it is on you. You may still wish to save the relationship, but if your partner is determined to end it, only resentment and mistrust can result from drawing out the process.
Be open and honest; this may be difficult, but it will help you heal emotionally as time passes. If possible, choose to speak first so that you can set a mature tone for the conversation and make your points dispassionately. Make eye contact as you speak. This should keep your partner's gaze from your hands while you adjust the fuel primer switch to setting X9 and the combustion-pressure selector to 200 psi, for maximum velocity.
Immediately before your now-former partner's reply, press the launch trigger for a rapid 115-degree takeoff. A sharp riposte, such as "I cheated on you first!," may be appropriate.
(Jesse writing again)
Public Service Announcement: Tired of no posts on the Office Squawk? Read my blog while you're waiting. Jesse's Blog tastes more like real Dr. Pepper.
06 February 2008
Now Hiring!
So we have been trying to get a Nanny for sometime now. And as I sit here with my wrinkled up shirt and smelly socks, I can't help but wonder if there isn't a better approach. I have finally come to the conclusion that we need to come up with a better incentive package. So here it is: the person who fills the Nanny position will not only be the office Nanny, she will also be Tom's Wife! If the Nanny has a particullarly good resume then we may consider letting her trade in Tom for Andrew. Now although the Nanny will be married to Tom (or Andrew) she will still be responsible for taking care of all the office employees. To be clear her responsibilities include ,but are not limited to:
*As part of the application process please bring by **one complete meal (enough to feed a family of four) to the office after February 11th.
**This meal should not be limited to the $1.47 budget imposed on meals bought using office employee funds.
- Picking out what socks I should wear (that also includes making sure the socks are clean).
- Washing my clothes, towel, and pillow case.
- Doing the dishes.
- Cooking frozen pizzas and other nutritious meals that cost more than $1.47.
- Running mundane errands.
- Generally looking out for my well being.
- Cheering for me to beat Tom when doing push-up contest.
*As part of the application process please bring by **one complete meal (enough to feed a family of four) to the office after February 11th.
**This meal should not be limited to the $1.47 budget imposed on meals bought using office employee funds.
05 February 2008
Alice Cooper
The Houston Supplement.
You guys are terribly inconsistent bloggers. So, I take it upon myself to update The Office Squawk.
Church was a hoot yesterday, and starting off the show was our favorite testimony bearer. For some background, see Kimya Dawson (my blog’s entry for Jan 6th 2008). In short, she gives the CRAZIEST testimonies. Yesterday, in walking up to the podium, she stopped short just to the left of it, kneeled down, and started praying out loud. Admittedly, it was a very sincere prayer, asking for help bearing her testimony and giving thanks for appropriate things. It was just… really unorthodox. Nobody knew what to do. We’ve all heard the LDS anecdote about the person who dozes off on the stand and, when nudged, stands up to give a premature benediction. Did she think the meeting was going poorly and decided to put an end to it? Was the bishop gonna stand up afterwards and say “well, that’s all folks, off to Sunday-school?” Was she going to pray for the swift destruction of our sinful, motley crew? Turns out, she wanted us to have a good example of what a prayer should be like. After the prayer, she just stood up and started to bear her testimony. Included were stories about communing with the spirits of past prophets and a vision of black flecks flying off her skin, fulfilling the commandment to “be spotless before my eyes.” It made everyone fantastically uncomfortable. She’s the slasher movie of testimony meeting. The Ben Stiller movie of Fast Sunday. When she gets up once a month, the congregation ripples with anticipation, and yesterday she did not disappoint.
The other exciting event was that the bishopric asked both elder’s quorums and both relief societies (we have a lot of people in our ward) to all have lessons on Elder Oak’s talk on “Dating vs. Hanging Out.” I’ve previously been privileged to have the wonderfully low-pressure Bishop Pomeroy. Boy could he lay down the law in his law of chastity talks, but I never felt one iota of negative pressure from him to get married. Just the encouragement of “live like you should and it’ll happen when it happens.” Stories from other wards that have tricked in through the grapevine have been entertaining, but I’ve never really had to encounter that LDS stereotype head on until yesterday. The bishopric asked for this topic for two reasons, which form a wonderful singles ward catch-22. The sisters have been complaining about not being asked out, and guys who have been socially dating are being called “Players.” Having fallen into this second category back in the Capital Ward (in spite of being a complete gentleman and mostly harmless), I was particularly interested in the topic of how to resolve this conundrum. And, with the amount of conversation with The Office members dedicated to the subject of dating, I considered myself an expert in the field.
The conversation was hilarious. The bulk of the guys in my quorum are young professional, which means that they made it through college w/o getting married in spite of some cleverness and ambition. So, there were plenty of self-deprecating comments to entertain and lower the awkwardness level created by the subject matter. In discussing asking girls out for the first time, the pres said “And if you’re nervous, there’s nothing as unobtrusive and noncommittal as a Saturday lunch! Then, you’re not even asking her to give up her Friday night.” …I didn’t even have time to raise issues like “how does one keep motivated in the face of failure” or “Gentlemen, do you have any inexpensive date ideas.” I’ve got no problem getting a first date; it’s the follow-up that I’m no good at. But, sadly there was not time for a comprehensive look at the whole process. Maybe they should offer a survey course.
One interesting series in the discussion took on the theme “step up to the plate.” If you’re not dating, start. If you’ve been dating around, think about taking it to the next level with someone if they’ve caught your attention. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, give some thought to making it permanent. The idea of progress and that leap of faith appealed to me.
My contribution to the discussion was my threshold theory. It goes like this: There are two lines that man must cross to socially enable him a good dater. 1) The realization that for a first date, all you have to do is ask. It’s that simple. Now, it gets more complicated after that first date, but if you want to get to know a girl better, all you have to do is say “I’d like to buy you dinner.” No need to pussyfoot around it. It leaves no ambiguity that way, she knows it’s a date and that there is at least some implied interest and potential. 2) Girls like physical affection (i.e. kissing) just as much as we do. So, when things are going well and it’s appropriate, just man up and go for it.
In other news,
I had a nightmare last night that I was back on my mission. Isn’t that terrible? The fact that it registered as a nightmare. In the dream, I was supposed to go on an overnight fishing trip, but the next day realized the day before had only been my p-day. I started thinking about no girls and no school and the stress and guilt that missionaries feel and thinking “there are other things that I’m supposed to be doing now!” I’ve felt bad all morning that I had such a negative reaction.
I also had a dream that I owned superbowl underwear, so…
You guys are terribly inconsistent bloggers. So, I take it upon myself to update The Office Squawk.
Church was a hoot yesterday, and starting off the show was our favorite testimony bearer. For some background, see Kimya Dawson (my blog’s entry for Jan 6th 2008). In short, she gives the CRAZIEST testimonies. Yesterday, in walking up to the podium, she stopped short just to the left of it, kneeled down, and started praying out loud. Admittedly, it was a very sincere prayer, asking for help bearing her testimony and giving thanks for appropriate things. It was just… really unorthodox. Nobody knew what to do. We’ve all heard the LDS anecdote about the person who dozes off on the stand and, when nudged, stands up to give a premature benediction. Did she think the meeting was going poorly and decided to put an end to it? Was the bishop gonna stand up afterwards and say “well, that’s all folks, off to Sunday-school?” Was she going to pray for the swift destruction of our sinful, motley crew? Turns out, she wanted us to have a good example of what a prayer should be like. After the prayer, she just stood up and started to bear her testimony. Included were stories about communing with the spirits of past prophets and a vision of black flecks flying off her skin, fulfilling the commandment to “be spotless before my eyes.” It made everyone fantastically uncomfortable. She’s the slasher movie of testimony meeting. The Ben Stiller movie of Fast Sunday. When she gets up once a month, the congregation ripples with anticipation, and yesterday she did not disappoint.
The other exciting event was that the bishopric asked both elder’s quorums and both relief societies (we have a lot of people in our ward) to all have lessons on Elder Oak’s talk on “Dating vs. Hanging Out.” I’ve previously been privileged to have the wonderfully low-pressure Bishop Pomeroy. Boy could he lay down the law in his law of chastity talks, but I never felt one iota of negative pressure from him to get married. Just the encouragement of “live like you should and it’ll happen when it happens.” Stories from other wards that have tricked in through the grapevine have been entertaining, but I’ve never really had to encounter that LDS stereotype head on until yesterday. The bishopric asked for this topic for two reasons, which form a wonderful singles ward catch-22. The sisters have been complaining about not being asked out, and guys who have been socially dating are being called “Players.” Having fallen into this second category back in the Capital Ward (in spite of being a complete gentleman and mostly harmless), I was particularly interested in the topic of how to resolve this conundrum. And, with the amount of conversation with The Office members dedicated to the subject of dating, I considered myself an expert in the field.
The conversation was hilarious. The bulk of the guys in my quorum are young professional, which means that they made it through college w/o getting married in spite of some cleverness and ambition. So, there were plenty of self-deprecating comments to entertain and lower the awkwardness level created by the subject matter. In discussing asking girls out for the first time, the pres said “And if you’re nervous, there’s nothing as unobtrusive and noncommittal as a Saturday lunch! Then, you’re not even asking her to give up her Friday night.” …I didn’t even have time to raise issues like “how does one keep motivated in the face of failure” or “Gentlemen, do you have any inexpensive date ideas.” I’ve got no problem getting a first date; it’s the follow-up that I’m no good at. But, sadly there was not time for a comprehensive look at the whole process. Maybe they should offer a survey course.
One interesting series in the discussion took on the theme “step up to the plate.” If you’re not dating, start. If you’ve been dating around, think about taking it to the next level with someone if they’ve caught your attention. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, give some thought to making it permanent. The idea of progress and that leap of faith appealed to me.
My contribution to the discussion was my threshold theory. It goes like this: There are two lines that man must cross to socially enable him a good dater. 1) The realization that for a first date, all you have to do is ask. It’s that simple. Now, it gets more complicated after that first date, but if you want to get to know a girl better, all you have to do is say “I’d like to buy you dinner.” No need to pussyfoot around it. It leaves no ambiguity that way, she knows it’s a date and that there is at least some implied interest and potential. 2) Girls like physical affection (i.e. kissing) just as much as we do. So, when things are going well and it’s appropriate, just man up and go for it.
In other news,
I had a nightmare last night that I was back on my mission. Isn’t that terrible? The fact that it registered as a nightmare. In the dream, I was supposed to go on an overnight fishing trip, but the next day realized the day before had only been my p-day. I started thinking about no girls and no school and the stress and guilt that missionaries feel and thinking “there are other things that I’m supposed to be doing now!” I’ve felt bad all morning that I had such a negative reaction.
I also had a dream that I owned superbowl underwear, so…
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