The Office Squawk

The Office Person of the Year - 2008

2009-03-06T23:42:00.005-06:00

Stephanie Ann Hall
In 2008, The Office has experienced more changes than can be fully recounted. If we have become better people by any measure it is largely due to the presence of Stephanie Ann Hall in our lives. While her effervescent personality has affected us all generally, her contributions to our lives are more individualized.

Stephanie is a big fan of Gavin Gee. She is such a fan that she has baked no less than 3700 cookies of all types upon Gavin’s request for them. I would note that 3700 is a conservative estimate. Several experts agree that the actual number is likely far greater. Stephanie has also become a relationship advisor to Gavin, and he didn’t even have to ask her to be that for him.

Tom and Stephanie share a special and completely platonic bond. This is in part due to the prohibition of any romantic overtures between them imposed by yours truly. Nevertheless, as any true friend would, Stephanie has, time and again, offered and carried out fraternal service to Tom.

Since becoming friends upon Andrew’s arrival at The Office, Stephanie and Andrew have spoken in some format on a daily basis. Stephanie’s nutritive world-view has benefited Andrew in everything from dating advice to fashion assistance. Urban legend around The Office also adds the rumor of more than one kiss that may have transpired between their collective lips.

Personally, Stephanie has had an immeasurable impact on my life. When I say “impact,” I mean it. She and I have collided over differences of opinion on a multitude of issues. Spurred ever onward by her passion, she has never given an inch, despite my recalcitrance. Furthermore, she is never wrong. She has taught me so much that I am better for having known her.

All these things make her, as I have told her before, altogether indispensible. She colored our year beautifully and she continues to do so. It is readily evident why she is The Office Person of the Year 2008, and it is well deserved. --Abinadi

A question

2008-11-20T09:39:00.003-06:00

Does simply pasting a link to your website on other's blogs and such increase search engines' chance of listing your page in a search since there are links from other pages going to it? For instance, the name of this blog should be a link to my website, is that helping my website? Does pasting it in this message, like so, http://moonlightcrew.com/ help at all?

The REAL Office

2008-09-10T07:02:00.001-05:00

The real office starts in just over 2 weeks....

I hope everyone is amply prepared

A walk in the park (or just through Austin...)

2008-08-27T14:47:00.002-05:00

So a few days ago, I decided to take the bus to and from school for my Monday/Wednesday classes since the Rio Grande Campus of ACC is so close to my house.

Yesterday I researched the route I would need to take and approximately what time I would need to be at the bus station.

Now, Tom had said that I could ride the UT shuttle bus for free, so I thought I would try that out.

So this morning I head down to the bus stop at about 8:15am, and the bus came about 8:25am. I’m one of the first stops, so there weren’t that many (if any) people on board all ready. I took a seat near the front of the bus.

Now, you must take in mind that this is the first time EVER that I have used a bus on my own. I’ve always done this with someone else.

So the stop I want to get off at is the Rio Grande and 15th street stop. As we’re coming up on Rio Grande (the bus is driving down 15th street), I notice that the bus driver is not in the right-most lane. And so I think that he may not stop at the stop I need. Now here’s the funny part. I know that if you pull the little thing, the bus driver will stop. Well, I was worried about having to pay for my fare because I’m not a UT student (I had brought money to pay in case I needed to). So I look at the time, and determine that I should have enough time to walk to school from where ever the bus does end up stopping (all this time hoping that the bus would stop before it got too far away). Well, I should have just grown a spine and pulled the thingy, cause the bus didn’t stop until we were at about 20th and San Jacinto! That’s only about 1.24 miles away from where I needed to be! It was about 8:38am by this time. My first class didn’t start till 9:10am, so I had a good 40 min to get to ACC. Well, it only took about 24 min to walk the 1.24 miles.

So, my reworked plan was to just ride the regular bus back home. But, as I’m done with school I decide that I wanted to try an experiment. I would walk HOME as well! I had called Tom right after I got off the bus to tell him about my unfortunate situation. I commented that I may be just as far away from ACC as The Office is. he disagreed. So I wanted to see exactly how long it would take. I had some time to kill, so I thought, why not? I'll burn off some extra calories, and get some Sun. I've got two legs... I'm self-sufficient and independent kind of guy. I don't need no stinking bus!

It turns out I live 1.91 miles away from the Rio Grande Campus. It took me about 40 min to make the walk. I left at 1:43pm and got home at 2:23

Now it's time for some of the lessons I've learned:

1) "These shoes AIN'T for walking" - if I'm going to do this again, I need to wear better shoes. Running shoes, perhaps.

2) My backpack weighs far too much. I've got not only my books, etc in there, but it’s also my laptop bag. Talk about weight. I just weighed it, and it’s about 30 lbs! Now I have a lot more sympathy for guys in the army that have to do 6 hour marches wearing all their gear, which – if I’m not mistaken – can weigh upwards of 60 lbs! freakin’ heck….

3) YAY Texas summers! Boy, it was hot out there… just walking. I wasn’t walking fast or anything like that… and I was pretty slow. But, boy did I work up a sweat.

So in closing: Yay for walking, boo for heavy backpacks.

Gavin Gee - Behind the Mystery

2008-04-14T14:16:00.003-05:00

Gavin Gee. What a guy. At the poetry slam friday those in attendance were graced with a fine piece of prose by our dear stephanie hall. her ode to gavin began a whirlwind of mental activity that finally lead to this post, a dive into the depths of this young man's life, mind, and soul.

So who is gavin gee? what makes him the irresistible bachelor that he is? as a trusted and respected journalist i cannot reveal my sources, but many intimate conversations with many a delightful young woman has revealed some interesting things. gavin is wanted. theres something about that curly hair and the way he denies women. usually the unkempt and tightwads are left on the roadside, but he manages to keep the ladies coming back to bang their heads against his wall. hes immovable, and indecipherable.

so, as my gift to the women of the office i present what makes gavin tick. (it is april, the best month ever, so im feeling generous).

1) gavin loves cheap things
a certain girl, after a date with gavin recounted this to me: "we wanted to go get hot chocolate after our free date, and i knew gavin wouldnt want to spend any money, so i said lets goto mcdonalds, since that was the cheapest place i could think of."
not enough evidence? check out those shoes of his. he refuses to get new ones! think hes in love with the broken sandals? wrong, hes just in love with that green!

2) gavin enjoys being a vagrant
do you even know gavin?! do i really have to explain this one? let us consider a few facts: gavin doesnt spend money (maybe his panhandling isnt working out too well?), gavin looks homeless (check out that hair, the beard, or the shoes), and need i even mention the way he refuses to pay his rent and sleeps in the dumpster when his roomates deny his freeloading?

3) gavin hates women
surely this is the most attractive thing to those of the female sex. he denies you, so you come back for more abuse. perhaps the rest of us men could take a lesson from gavin and and try and seem more disinterested and turned off by those women around us

4) gavin likes to read good books
what a hottie!

5) gavin HATES liberals
dont even try and come in talking about how obama is your personal savior or about how the dems have the solution to *insert problem here*. this fast talking conservative will out quote you with his economist style knowledge of what the high profile conservatives are using as their debate material, and the man practically wrote the book on what is wrong with the welfare system today (see No, I won't work to support your lazy rear by Gavin Gee, Prentice Hall Publishing, NY, 2003). The man is a poster boy for the anti-liberal movement. He wont think its cute or witty when you purport to understand things you clearly dont or when your tree hugging attitude doesnt have the hard facts or answers he expects out of you when you try and argue.

6) gavin LOVES free things
kinda goes along with a lot of the previous posts. food is the way to this boy's heart

7) last but not least, gavin likes to drive slow
huh? well, he likes that, and that just shows how laid back and stress free he is. dont even TRY and bring your drama or tears to this guy's front door

oh, april 17th is my bday. make it awesome
<3 bryant

Bruce R.

2008-04-11T10:57:00.000-05:00

Read my blog: Preachin' to the Choir

I’ve gotten in the habit of telling missionary stories recently, and a post on Rant Fever reminded me of another part of my mission. As a Mormon missionary, I had 2-ish hours every morning for study. There are several things one is supposed to do during this time, including study with your companion and study the language. It’s a shame to say that most missionaries kind of fade out of study-time after the first few months of their mission. But, being accustomed to reading a lot and desperately needing some intellectual stimulation, I stayed fairly on top of things. After a month or two, I had exhausted the Missionary Guide (the one that was, thank heavens, replaced by Preach My Gospel), the MTC Spanish textbook, AND the “missionary library” (a collection of four or five universally approved church books for missionaries). Some mission presidents restrict missionary reading to those listed above. Had that been the case with my mission president, I might have gone crazy, having plowed through them all almost before I was out of the MTC. Some extend it to a few other staples like The Miracle of Forgiveness.

Luckily, my mission president had a little more discretion. For those of you who have seen The Shawshank Redemption, I was the Morgan Freeman of missionary libraries (also of ties, guyaberas, and electric water-heating showerheads). I was a networking champion and could get a hold of just about every uplifting or theological based book I could imagine. It started with raiding in-apartment libraries. Missionaries tend to move areas every few months, and suitcase space is at a premium. As they go, they collect clothes and souvenirs and stuff like small speaker sets to play classical music. This means that books that have been read are left behind. Quickly, I became the proud owner of a complete set of Institute student manuals, including the highly touted and out of print Book of Mormon study guide (literally three times as long as the current one. In a situation like this, page volume is at a premium).

It wasn’t just gospel reading, I needed more for my Spanish, too. I found a missionary who had a college level advanced grammar Spanish textbook and had it Xeroxed at a copy shop (no enforceable copyright laws in the DR. Serves me right, though, that it came back with every other page out of order. 2,1,4,3,6,5…375.). When that ran out, I went to used bookstores and got copies of uncontroversial (Treasure Island, a history of the Catholic Church) books in Spanish to keep the momentum up.

Soon I found that I had exhausted my on-island resources, and still had a year to go. I wrote home for all the books that I couldn’t find on Hispanola (The Great Apostasy, surprisingly. The Messiah series by Bruce R., Believing Christ, etc). Anything that I couldn’t get fast enough from them, I realized I could order from Amazon and have delivered to the Mission Office. I also found out that ‘Pres.’ (our mission president), was OK with us reading secular motivational book.

It was at this point that I had a brief but passionate affair with Self-Help Literature. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, others from the Covey line, How to Win Friends and Influence People, others from the Carnegie line, The Greatest Salesman in the World (terrible, by the way)…

I was hooked. I was addicted. You know how it makes you feel when you make a study plan on the first day of school, ultra rigorous but guaranteed to get you straight A’s. The euphoria from New Years Resolutions. The excitement of a new planner. I quickly learned that you can mainline those sentiments by reading motivational lit. Their plans for helping me become the best me possible are unrealistically rigorous, if not a little hairbrained. Some of them are down right irresponsible. But, the real reason they sell, the real reason why some of them (the irresponsible ones) were even written, was because they are good at making you feel good about yourself as long as you are reading the book. So, I’d end one and jump straight into another. The problem came when I started running low on editions to read. I had to quit cold turkey, and haven’t looked back since.

Antonio Banderas

2008-04-02T15:36:00.006-05:00

Office employees, rise up in arms!

The summer after my high school graduation, I had the coziest job of my life at the McAllen Country Club poolside bar and grill. At great pay for a summer job, I got to watch daytime TV and eat three squares that our cook Jakkan would steal from the main country club kitchen. I also usually managed to secure a little food to take home with me. I would take this food to my friend Jeff where he worked at the Blockbuster. When his shift was over, he’d sneek out a free movie or two, and we’d head home to enjoy our ill-gotten films and fajita-nachos.

Jeff and I also both had girlfriends. Girlfriends who treated us poorly. Through our mutual woes, we developed what we called the “Desperado” school of relationships. Our battle cry became “Guns Before Emotion.” If you were in a crappy situation, better to shoot your way out. Go in with both barrels blazing.

Needless to say, this is much easier said than done. But, boy does it make you feel good to say it.

At one point, we got particularly sick of the situation. We decided that our girlfriends weren’t pulling their weight and were undeserving of our affection. To show them, we made a pact. Jeff and I would not display physical affection unless they initiated it. Hand-holding, goodnight kisses, the works. Now, I realize that this is a little juvenile, but we were 18 and those girls really had been treating us terribly for weeks and weeks. Talking tough made us feel better, as did the mutual support.

To further motivate, we decided to make it a bet. Being particularly poor (stealing our evening meal and entertainment), we finally decided that the first one to break down would have to purchase the other a Snickers bar. King size. We shook on it, and left to start our shifts at work. Who won? Neither of us. As soon as we left each other, our respective girlfriends BOTH called us, affectionately saying they’d missed our company. Imagine my relief when I called after work (or maybe he called me) to sheepishly admit there would be no chicken fingers and VHS tonight, to find out that he had folded as easily as I had. How had they known?! The very second we started to stand up for ourselves, they struck. The part that stings the most is we loose the fight in us and fold without protest at the first batting of an eyelash.

I would chalk that up to coincidence and file it away as a clever anecdote to entertain friends, except that there seems to have been an element of that experience in most of my interactions with girls since.

For example, I’ve recently had a rough experience with a certain girl. We’ll call her Schmalee. Inspired by Tom’s cavalier “Let’s forget this!” I decided to stop torturing myself by pulling more weight than the situation was worth by deleting Girl’s number from my cell phone. To avoid the temptation. This was, say at 11:45 at night. What should happen at 11:30 the very. next. morning.? She calls and leaves an endearing voice mail.

How do they do it? Emasculate me the very moment I decide to stand up. And, where does all the rabble rousing go the second there's a smile in my direction?

Guns Before Emotion! (would someone translate that into latin for me?). Desperado Style.

If only.

The Office is OURS!

2008-03-31T07:51:00.002-05:00

Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work. But from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, a never-ending fight, I say to you, and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors!!! Employees of our dearly beloved office, I ask you, once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you the office is a bad place, with bad men. They'll conjure up images of wanton jockeys or high-rolling charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say office employees of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together, together that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland for it is together that we prevail!

My fellow employees, let us do what is in our heritage, let us take back our birthright, let us be true to the noble ideals upon which the fair office is founded. Let us take back the office! The OFFICE IS OURS!

<3 bryant
in honor of "April: The Office Is OURS" month

updates and more

2008-03-29T01:49:00.003-05:00

dear devoted office groupies,

its been an interesting end of march at the office. whats new you ask? what isnt new?! remember that greenish, flowery, falling-to-shreds couch that was so infamously dubbed the "smallpox blanket" by one young lady? its soon to be no more. Abinadi, utilizing all the pull he has with the ladies, has scored the office a new couch. Its blue, its less pungent, its nice and freshly febreezed, and its insides are not strewn about the floor in white heaps of cottony balls. can you believe it? with the new couch, the vacuum, and the effort by gavin to rid the office of random junk its starting to become a totally new environment! whats next, a hand towel in the bathroom that looks safe to use?!

until next time
<3 bryant

the dawn of a new age

2008-03-16T18:01:00.003-05:00

just as we can look back in history and reference the dawn of the industrial revolution, or the age of enlightenment, so is history making in the process at the office. the office, dear readers, has purchased a vacuum cleaner. let me give it moment for the shock to dissipate. yes, a vacuum; an instrument of cleaning, a tool to combat filth. this is the dawn of a new era, a time of change and revolutionizing progress! join with us to help make the office a cleaner place! oft have we lamented the pile of dishes in the sink, the smell of the blankets on the couch, or gavin's overall homely appearance...but no more! the vacuum is the symbol of a new commitment to change, to cleanliness, to order! office employees unite!

All eyes on Texas...and the Office

2008-03-06T08:51:00.002-06:00

The dust has finally settled and the politicians have moved on to their next battle ground. Everyone was hoping Texas would pick the democratic nominee, but instead we are still in a grid lock. So while the rest of the country is debating who is better at answering early morning phone calls, I have been wondering more weighty matters. Specifically who will be the best commander and chief of the office? We need someone with charisma, who can get our dishes done by inviting over unsuspecting visitors. Someone who can get us copious episodes of the office. Someone who can correct the awful path that we have been heading down for so many weeks.
With this post I am declaring myself chair of the nomination committee, you can submit your nominations to me by commenting on this post. That is all.

New Look?

2008-02-21T21:26:00.002-06:00

So you may be wondering why the office squawk is suddenly readable. I have decided to change the look. Part of the reason was every time I see a site with a black background I imagine some dirty adolescent sitting in his basement who hasn't seen the light of day for 3 weeks thinking; "Wow this site is so cool, people will have to take me serious with this web site...abandon all hope ye who enter here." But the other reason was to send a message to the other "contributers" of this blog. Seeing how Jesse and I are the only ones who post I figure we should be able to choose how this site looks (Jesse I'm not really set on this design, so feel free to let your creativity go wild, maybe we could add some unicorns throwing hand grenades at leprechauns). So to anyone who doesn't like how the site looks, I suggest you start pulling your weight (I know you have a lot of weight to pull Tom, but it isn't my fault you ate all those twinkies).

Time to take the office back!

2008-02-19T15:48:00.003-06:00

After returning to my journey to the motherland I realized that things at the office aren't the same as they used to be. I first noticed something was a miss when I was attacked by what appeared to be a gang of girls in a drunken rage. I escaped only by the help of my faithful compadre's, but I can't say the same for my former roommate Tom (Tom is never at the office any more so I can only assume that he has moved into the girl's dormitory after disowning his manhood). Latter that night I heard whispers of starting a revolt to take back the office. I tossed these aside thinking they were the ravings of a lunatic. But over the past few days I have seen the slow and painful degradation of the office. So now is the time to stand and save the office. It is time for a revolution! Not just a Ron Paul Revolution (Not that this revolution will in any way interfere with our on going efforts on that front). But it is time for an Office Revolution! We must move quick or before you know it we will be smitten with a horrible curse. Andrew will be getting pedicures and Abinadi will be going to Back Street Boy concerts if we don't act quick. So office employee's of the world UNITE!

Houston Suppliment issue 2

2008-02-19T09:33:00.002-06:00

From McSweeney's

EXCERPTS FROM
THE WORST-CASE
SCENARIO SURVIVAL
HANDBOOK FOR PEOPLE
WITH ROCKET PACKS.

BY KURT W. RADEMACHER

SITUATION NO. 103

Ending a Long-Term Relationship

Remember that when someone is breaking up with you it can be just as hard on her as it is on you. You may still wish to save the relationship, but if your partner is determined to end it, only resentment and mistrust can result from drawing out the process.

Be open and honest; this may be difficult, but it will help you heal emotionally as time passes. If possible, choose to speak first so that you can set a mature tone for the conversation and make your points dispassionately. Make eye contact as you speak. This should keep your partner's gaze from your hands while you adjust the fuel primer switch to setting X9 and the combustion-pressure selector to 200 psi, for maximum velocity.

Immediately before your now-former partner's reply, press the launch trigger for a rapid 115-degree takeoff. A sharp riposte, such as "I cheated on you first!," may be appropriate.

(Jesse writing again)
Public Service Announcement: Tired of no posts on the Office Squawk? Read my blog while you're waiting. Jesse's Blog tastes more like real Dr. Pepper.

Now Hiring!

2008-02-06T15:09:00.000-06:00

So we have been trying to get a Nanny for sometime now. And as I sit here with my wrinkled up shirt and smelly socks, I can't help but wonder if there isn't a better approach. I have finally come to the conclusion that we need to come up with a better incentive package. So here it is: the person who fills the Nanny position will not only be the office Nanny, she will also be Tom's Wife! If the Nanny has a particullarly good resume then we may consider letting her trade in Tom for Andrew. Now although the Nanny will be married to Tom (or Andrew) she will still be responsible for taking care of all the office employees. To be clear her responsibilities include ,but are not limited to:

Picking out what socks I should wear (that also includes making sure the socks are clean).
Washing my clothes, towel, and pillow case.
Doing the dishes.
Cooking frozen pizzas and other nutritious meals that cost more than $1.47.
Running mundane errands.
Generally looking out for my well being.
Cheering for me to beat Tom when doing push-up contest.

Now that the stakes have been raised I have no doubt that the applications will start flooding in. So be sure to *apply quickly.

*As part of the application process please bring by **one complete meal (enough to feed a family of four) to the office after February 11th.

**This meal should not be limited to the $1.47 budget imposed on meals bought using office employee funds.

Alice Cooper

2008-02-05T13:24:00.001-06:00

The Houston Supplement.

You guys are terribly inconsistent bloggers. So, I take it upon myself to update The Office Squawk.

Church was a hoot yesterday, and starting off the show was our favorite testimony bearer. For some background, see Kimya Dawson (my blog’s entry for Jan 6th 2008). In short, she gives the CRAZIEST testimonies. Yesterday, in walking up to the podium, she stopped short just to the left of it, kneeled down, and started praying out loud. Admittedly, it was a very sincere prayer, asking for help bearing her testimony and giving thanks for appropriate things. It was just… really unorthodox. Nobody knew what to do. We’ve all heard the LDS anecdote about the person who dozes off on the stand and, when nudged, stands up to give a premature benediction. Did she think the meeting was going poorly and decided to put an end to it? Was the bishop gonna stand up afterwards and say “well, that’s all folks, off to Sunday-school?” Was she going to pray for the swift destruction of our sinful, motley crew? Turns out, she wanted us to have a good example of what a prayer should be like. After the prayer, she just stood up and started to bear her testimony. Included were stories about communing with the spirits of past prophets and a vision of black flecks flying off her skin, fulfilling the commandment to “be spotless before my eyes.” It made everyone fantastically uncomfortable. She’s the slasher movie of testimony meeting. The Ben Stiller movie of Fast Sunday. When she gets up once a month, the congregation ripples with anticipation, and yesterday she did not disappoint.

The other exciting event was that the bishopric asked both elder’s quorums and both relief societies (we have a lot of people in our ward) to all have lessons on Elder Oak’s talk on “Dating vs. Hanging Out.” I’ve previously been privileged to have the wonderfully low-pressure Bishop Pomeroy. Boy could he lay down the law in his law of chastity talks, but I never felt one iota of negative pressure from him to get married. Just the encouragement of “live like you should and it’ll happen when it happens.” Stories from other wards that have tricked in through the grapevine have been entertaining, but I’ve never really had to encounter that LDS stereotype head on until yesterday. The bishopric asked for this topic for two reasons, which form a wonderful singles ward catch-22. The sisters have been complaining about not being asked out, and guys who have been socially dating are being called “Players.” Having fallen into this second category back in the Capital Ward (in spite of being a complete gentleman and mostly harmless), I was particularly interested in the topic of how to resolve this conundrum. And, with the amount of conversation with The Office members dedicated to the subject of dating, I considered myself an expert in the field.

The conversation was hilarious. The bulk of the guys in my quorum are young professional, which means that they made it through college w/o getting married in spite of some cleverness and ambition. So, there were plenty of self-deprecating comments to entertain and lower the awkwardness level created by the subject matter. In discussing asking girls out for the first time, the pres said “And if you’re nervous, there’s nothing as unobtrusive and noncommittal as a Saturday lunch! Then, you’re not even asking her to give up her Friday night.” …I didn’t even have time to raise issues like “how does one keep motivated in the face of failure” or “Gentlemen, do you have any inexpensive date ideas.” I’ve got no problem getting a first date; it’s the follow-up that I’m no good at. But, sadly there was not time for a comprehensive look at the whole process. Maybe they should offer a survey course.

One interesting series in the discussion took on the theme “step up to the plate.” If you’re not dating, start. If you’ve been dating around, think about taking it to the next level with someone if they’ve caught your attention. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, give some thought to making it permanent. The idea of progress and that leap of faith appealed to me.

My contribution to the discussion was my threshold theory. It goes like this: There are two lines that man must cross to socially enable him a good dater. 1) The realization that for a first date, all you have to do is ask. It’s that simple. Now, it gets more complicated after that first date, but if you want to get to know a girl better, all you have to do is say “I’d like to buy you dinner.” No need to pussyfoot around it. It leaves no ambiguity that way, she knows it’s a date and that there is at least some implied interest and potential. 2) Girls like physical affection (i.e. kissing) just as much as we do. So, when things are going well and it’s appropriate, just man up and go for it.

In other news,
I had a nightmare last night that I was back on my mission. Isn’t that terrible? The fact that it registered as a nightmare. In the dream, I was supposed to go on an overnight fishing trip, but the next day realized the day before had only been my p-day. I started thinking about no girls and no school and the stress and guilt that missionaries feel and thinking “there are other things that I’m supposed to be doing now!” I’ve felt bad all morning that I had such a negative reaction.
I also had a dream that I owned superbowl underwear, so…

Music Night II

2008-01-22T22:55:00.000-06:00

So last Thursday we had our second music night. And you like the rest of America are probably wanting to see the play list before it is published in rolling stone magazine. But, sadly there are more important things at play. We need a stinking Nanny. Here is the deal. We can't take care of ourselves. I mean look at us. Music night was last week and I am just now sitting down to write this post. I would have written it earlier, if I didn't have to swim through the piles of filth to get to my desk.
For the sake of all the office employees please apply! I haven't eaten a real meal in over a month.
As soon as we get a nanny you all get real post about really cool music.

Another "Identify the Confession"!!!

2008-01-06T14:30:00.000-06:00

Well, you guessed it, the answers were A-A.

Tom: I'm so vain that I can't help taking shirtless poses in front of the mirror every night.

The new game is that all of these confessions are true, however, you must decide to whom they belong. Have fun!! (For getting them all right you win a kiss from Gavin.)

A) Tom
B) Andrew
C) Abinadi
D) Gavin

A) My friend and I once accidentally joined QUAC. (Queers United Aquatics Club)
B) I tried out for cheerleading in high school but was ineligible after failing physics class in that six weeks period.
C) I constantly called masculine looking women 'sir' at my fast food job (on at least a monthly basis).
D) I hit on a lesbian for months without realizing I had no chance. (I still hit on her.)

Alright, that's the game, match them up and win the prize.

Now it's time for "Identify the Confession"!!!

2008-01-04T13:55:00.000-06:00

So new game, you have to pick the person and the confession to win. Only one of these is true (to our collective knowledge).

To which person does the true confession belong?

A) Tom
B) Andrew
C) Abinadi
D) Gavin

And which is the true confession?

A) I'm so vain that I can't help taking shirtless poses in front of the mirror every night.
B) I accidentally killed a dog on my mission and I had to have an interview with the President when my companion told him about it.
C) On a bet I went on five different dates on one Saturday, and three of the girls were roommates.
D) To save money I once forewent washing my clothes for a week and just used them dirty again.

Now the answers don't have to correspond A to A or B to B even though looking back they very well could. To guess just make a comment on the post. Good luck and have fun with "Identify the Confession"!!!

Music Night at the Office

2008-01-03T21:35:00.000-06:00

Tonight we had the inaugural music night at the office. The office employees and several temps got together to jam and dance the night away. The evenings contributers and play list went as follows:
Meredith Mckinnon: Beirut, Post card from Italy--This song was awesome! One of the best of the night. I felt like I was riding down a street in Europe in July. I have never liked Beirut...until now.
Boy least likely to, Track 8- Hippity hoppity this gave me the soppity.
Barry Lewis Polisar, All I want is you--I felt like I was watching oh, brother where art thou, just give me more of that ol' time country classics!
Gretchen Healey: Slow Reader, Sweetest suffering--Good and mellow. maybe too mellow.
The Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's, Gold Lions. This was also one the nights big winners. It will be played a lot more around the office.
King of Leon, Tapper Jean girl--I have always wanted to like the kings of Leon, but they just make it so hard.
Josiah: The advantage, Ninja Gaiden--This one really took me back to my childhood...when I didn't have a Nintendo.
The Studio, Self Service--I have never heard this before, but Josiah has a way of turning back the clock. I felt like was listening to some sweet 80's music and loving every minute.
Chromeo, Fancy footwork--Every song Josiah chose took us a little further back. He is officially Old Skool.
Andrew Taylor: Josh Goody, Fade out--well let's just say that we were all happy when it eventually faded out.
Michael Jackson, Billy Jean--Can't go wrong with Mike.
Tom Wright: Good Charlotte, I don't want to be in love--I don't want to hear this song again.
M.I.A., Paper Planes-- an office classic. Nothing like a little MIA when you need to bust a cap.
Fuel, Shimmer--"This song sucks"--Meredith Mckinnon. Personally I think Meredith is too nice.
Abinadi: Ricky Gervais, Free Love Freeway--"Were the love is free, and the freeway is long"
Dynamite Hack, boys in the hood--best OG song ever.
armour nacotico, chi chi parta--eisencitekc gteiealiu dtiea tiod!
Gavin Gee: Badly Drawn Boy, Year of the Rat--2008 is the year of the rat!
Okkervil River, Unless it Kicks--This song did kick...the trash out of all these other lame-o songs.
Josh Ritter, To the dogs or whoever--Sooo good. I thought I heard somebody calling...and saying this was the best thing ever.
Chris Bucheit: Ween, Push the little daisy's--Chris picked this because he said "it's the best song ever". This is not the best song of anything...ever.
Rockapella, Sexual healing--...no comment.
My Girlfriend's dead--Flight of the concords has nothing on Chris Bucheit. This song stole the show.
Adam: Osma, Natalie Portman--I was so disappointed that he chose this over the format.
Flight of the concords, think about it--I thought about it...I love flight of the concords.
Allison: Regina Spektor, Just like the movies--nothing like a little Regina to let you chill.
Audio Slave, Doesn't remind me--I was so surprised that the person who chose Regina Spektor also chose audio slave. Usually I don't like audio slave...but I really enjoyed this.
Stephanie: Queen and David Bowie, Under pressure--No school like the old skool, and no one is as old as David Bowie.
Mika, lollipop--best dance song of the night. And the best way to say Stephanie.
Elena: Soldier boy, Crank that--some parts of the night I just try to forget.
Nathan: Baby boy da prince, The way I live--hmm, I don't think this is the way I live, but maybe I should start.
Lindsey: Justice, D.A.N.C.E--Biggest surprise of the night. great song, great video.
Larrisa: Blood hound Gang, It's tricky--It wasn't tricky, it was stinky.
Green day, dominated Love slave--
Rachel: Belle and Sebastian, For the price of a cup of tea--Who doesn't love Belle and Sebastian, Huh, who....I really want to know...who?
Arctic Monkey's, fluorescent adolescence-- Another winner I mean how can't you like a monkey that is freezing in the arctic. It just makes you want to get up and dance.
Elliot: Def Leppard, Love Bites-- I love Def Leppard, and this song bites.
Garbage, number 1 crush--"Garbage, needs no other description"--Meredith

Once the festivities were finished and the dust had settled. The big winners were: Chris Bucheit's rendition of dead girl friend. Meredith's roof raising. Josiah's light bulb lifting. And everyone's booty shaking. For all of you sucka's who missed out, you will have another chance next Thursday...you have 1 day.

Journals?

2008-01-03T10:41:00.000-06:00

In an earlier post I mentioned needing an audience, and in an earlier conversation I had with friends we spoke of journals and how some are good at keeping them and others (like me) are not. It's really about the audience. When I was in Brasil, I had a housemate that kept two sets of journals and I would read 'the small plates' set. He, knowing that I was reading them, would write specifically for me and be excited when I commented on what he had written. I started doing the same and it became extremely easy to keep a journal, I had an audience and I could write and have someone other than me appreciate my writings. It came to the point where I would be disappointed when Anj (Elder Aaron Joseph Andersen) was too busy to read my journal and would have to wait a day. We soon had inside jokes that we would leave for the other to find in our respective journals. I imagine that's why so many people keep blogs, it's that hunger for an audience. Except in general, nobody cares if the author took a nap or had a really good slurpee. I guess you just need one or two people that care about you to read it, comment on it, and then write for them. And don't mention any naps. Unless they happened while you were driving.

Tahlia is gone....

2008-01-02T23:45:00.000-06:00

Today was Tahlia's last day in Austin. She departed this life (working as a nanny here in Austin) around 5pm today. haha, just kidding. well, not about her leaving, but about it sounding like an obituary.

Last night was great, though. A bunch of people came over, and we had a great poker party. Tahlia was the guest of honor, and other attendees included: Abinadi, Tom, Gavin, Me, Gretchen, Tahlia, Jalaine, and Jesse. I won the first round, and then Jesse won the second round.

But ya, today was a sad day. Tom and I went over to Tahlia's house right before she left to see her off. It will be sad to see her go, because it will mean the end of an era for the office, and the loss of a friend. But, it is a very good thing for Tahlia, because she needs to get back to school.

We can only hope that she will be able to see us again one day. Until then, we will just have to find someone else with a funny accent to make fun of.....

The Office Person of the Year

2007-12-30T14:38:00.000-06:00

The Office started 2007 with only 2 employees. After losing Scott to the Austrians, it looked like it would be a long rough year. But the employees did have one thing holding them together. The Libertarian blood running through their veins!

Once the presidential elections started we began our search for the ideal candidate. Time and again we would see strengths, but also a handful of shortcomings. Until one day I was driving down Mopac and a car passed by with “Who is Ron Paul?” written on the rear window. I turned to Abinadi and asked “Who is that guy?” That was the pivotal moment for me when I discovered Ron Paul. Since then my life has been a never-ending stream of conversations and YouTube videos centered on Ron Paul.

A common phrase used around the office is “You are not the boss of me!” By voting for Ron Paul perhaps this is our way of telling the media, that they can’t tell us who we should vote for. And we are telling the government they can’t control our lives and our money. But the real reason we are voting for Ron Paul is We Love America.

To see the influence Ron Paul has had, one only needs to spend a few moments with an office employee. Inevitably within 3 minutes you will find yourself discussing Ron Paul's views on the federal reserve, and you will wonder "how did this happen to me". Whether we are on dates, at work, or just hanging with friends no one is going to be near the office employees without getting an earful of Ron Paul.

It’s true we have spent a lot of time and money looking forward to 2008. So I feel it is appropriate we have chosen Ron Paul as the person of the year. He has given us hope for liberty and freedom. Perhaps Abinadi said it best when he said “Elder Henry B. Eyring said, The degradation of the family has lead to the degradation of society, and the only man that can save us is Ron Paul.” So to quote each of the office employees “Go Ron Paul!” --Gavin

When you think about the multitude of ways one girl can impact the lives of four roommates, the list can be quite staggering. Yet, Tahlia Holzworth has managed to hit most all of the items on this list. She has captivated the attention of The Office employees these short months she has been here in a way that none of us will soon forget.
First off, Tahlia is just plain Beautiful. There’s no way around it, and that is probably what first caught the attention of The Office employees. Not only that, but she is fun to be around. And just listen to her talk! All of The Office employees love them an Australian accent, and not just to listen to it, but to make fun of it. Tahlia seems to think that “been” is pronounced “bean” and “no” is pronounced “nollrr”. And this characteristic has endeared her to us.

After Tahlia cleaned The Office’s kitchen, we all freaked out. It was then that we wanted to win her heart and marry her, so as to keep her in the family. But often our attempts at courtship were thwarted by Tahlia’s less-than-stellar level of commitment. This fact is what inclines us to say that part of Tahlia’s impact on The Office has been for evil, because she has broken all of our hearts, shafting us continually. Notwithstanding, we have all been on dates with Tahlia now, and we can honestly say (except for Gavin) that those dates with Tahlia rank up there with some of the best. While the type of influence – good vs. evil – might be in dispute, none would argue that Tahlia’s influence on not only The Office, but the City of Austin has been great. --Andrew and Tom

The Romans have their Pontiff. The Tibetans have their Dalai Lama. The Office has Bishop Barry Pomeroy. By day, the good Bishop masquerades as an accountant. By night, his superhuman abilities as an ecclesiastical chieftain emerge forth in waves with the speed of Clark Kent disrobing in a phone booth.

All of the employees in the history of The Office have benefitted directly and indirectly from the wisdom, insight, and attention of the Bishop. The Bishop is the kind of man who stands by us in our times of trial and who, time and again, demonstrates a patient love only equalled by the truly super-heroic. No question, then, why he has placed so highly among those we consider most influential of 2007. --Abinadi

Molly Lewis is the person who most influenced me this year. In fact, it is safe and easy to say that Molly has made me what I am when it comes to my outgoing personality. Molly goes out of her way to invite people to be her friend and makes friends quite easily, which is what she did with me when I clearly needed it the most. She seems to have no enemies because she loves everyone. Molly is currently serving in Norway as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and is doing so because service is in her nature, which has also affected our lives. She loves to dance, play sports, and fish, all of which make her an extremely fun person to be around and even more fun to date. Her competitive spirit clearly showed through when she tried to take me on more dates than I took her and fought with Abinadi and Jesse over who liked me more. Molly has influenced us all, for good. --Tom

Her smile melts the hearts of men, and her gaze brings them to their knees. While she doesn't visit The Office as much as she used to, she's left an indelible mark. She was the first to ever clean our kitchen. That move alone ensures her place in the annals of The Office. But even more than that, she brightened our days with her laugh and always left us wanting more. Her charm comes from her wit and clever banter; plus, The Office employees have always been suckers for a pretty face. --Abinadi

Michelle Ferry is maybe the sweetest girl around, and in the words of one Michael Perrone, the 'most unintentionally funny person'. I find that her voice is fun to mimic and what she says is just as fun to mimic. I find myself being more 'real' around Michelle Ferry because she almost refuses to laugh at anything I say. Michelle is one of the most desirable people to take on dates in my opinion, which opinion is shared by those of The Office, because she is chatty, fun to be with, smart and maybe the prettiest girl around. Michelle has influenced us for good. --Tom

Jalaine Riggs is one of The Office employees at heart, she just can't live with us because she's a girl, despite what she'll tell you. Jalaine loves The Office and hates everyone else, but doesn't want anyone to know about the loving of The Office part. Fiercely territorial, Jalaine likes her space and her space is The Office. Her influence is widely felt around here and we would be different people without her. Better people, but different people. Okay, all seriousness aside, we love Jalaine and without her we would've ended up at a lot more wedding receptions and cheap restaurants and most likely we would have been without big fish that she most skillfully caught for us. --Tom

Bryant Moscon, or “The Annex” as we like to call him, has been a good friend to The Office – despite the fact that he would sell us all out for a bar of German chocolate. He offers a distinct voice in an otherwise tumultuous sea of opinions and helps guide The Office in difficult times.
--Andrew

Legend has it that before Mr. Jesse Ormsby left for law school in the general Houston area, he shook the streets of Austin, TX with the power of rock 'n' roll. Indeed, the very memory of his trademark hair and debonair smile still send shivers down the collective spine of music savvy, female Austinites city-wide. One cannot hope to defeat Mr. Jesse Ormsby; one can only hope to contain him. These pithy facts should be enough to illustrate just how much influence he has had on The Office employees. And Jesse, if you are reading this, stop reading this and get back to studying the law. After all, we didn't send you to law school to read blogs. In all seriousness, The Office anxiously awaits the triumphant return Mr. Ormsby and looks forward to the day when we can all join hands and sing that old negro spiritual, "free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" --Abinadi

Milton Friedman has the distinction of being the only person on this list that wasn’t alive in 2007. But he was able to speak to us through the grave with his book Free to Choose. I finally gave up preaching the gospel of Milton Friedman, when I realized Ron Paul was preaching the same thing. Like most genius men, he was years ahead of his time. It may take a couple of more decades before everyone realizes the brilliance that is Milton Friedman. --Gavin

There isn't anyone who can install a fear of God into man quite like Paul Mckinnon. He has kept us on our toes, and in fear for our lives.
--Gavin

Person of the Year Nominations

2007-12-29T17:52:00.000-06:00

So Time just came out with their person of the year. Who was Vladamir Putin. But I realized old Vlad really hasn't done too much for the office. So I am making a list of all the nominations for the person of the year for the office. This is the person who has had the biggest influence (for good or evil) on the office and the office employees this year. Some of nominations include:
Ron Paul
Tahlia Holzworth
Kasey Wheeler
J.K Rowling
Nicholas Sarkozy
Milton Friedman
Leo Tolstoy
Bishop Palmeroy
Molly Lewis
Michelle Ferry
Jesse Ormsby
Gretchen Healey
Alan Greenspan

Now this isn't a complete list, but it give you an idea of some of the people we are considering. Who do you think we should have on this list?

I'm here... now what?

2007-12-28T09:18:00.001-06:00

So, Tom has invited me to this blog, and so I am here.

But now what?!? As Tom has already pointed out, I am not good at coming up with original content.

So I need You!, the faithful readers of The Office Squawk, to help me out and give me ideas. Common now, I know you can do it!

Original convictions

2007-12-27T10:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I just posted about needing an audience maybe two seconds ago, and I noticed that I had two comments that I had yet to read. One commented on my weakness in using this blog instead of my website, and the other admonished me to avoid all women. How wise both of these comments are. However, I cannot respect Andrew's comment because he hasn't a web page worth reading (give me some content Andrew, some of your own content). But I can respect Abinadi's advice about avoiding all women. First of all, everyone knows that guys are WAY better than girls. We run faster, grow more facial hair, and are nicer on the phone than our female counterparts are. And, when Edgar told us he fell asleep at the wheel because he had been up late several nights that week, all of the guys immediately asked, "Who was she?" We all innately knew that a female was behind his disaster. Men empowerment! Let's listen to some Gold Digger!!!

I need an audience

2007-12-27T10:23:00.000-06:00

One might notice the lack of quotes on the website and the lack of posts here on the blog. I need an audience. That's my fuel.

Sleep, the lack thereof and the excess thereof

2007-12-20T10:31:00.000-06:00

So I wanted to write this on the Life Lessons site and I probably still will when it is fully functional but I couldn't wait for the details to fade so I will share it with you, avid readers of everything Tidbits of Tom. I woke up on Sunday and my car was spinning down I 35 South, at which point I thought to myself, "Self, not good." After spinning to face oncoming traffic and hitting the median barrier and perpendiculy crossing three lanes of highway traffic I decided to call a friend to talk to in order to stay awake for the rest of the drive. I had slept approximately 6 hours the night before but had been sleeping badly for several nights previous to the incident. Lack of sleep=excess of sleep.

http://autos.yahoo.com/articles/autos_content_landing_pages/335/a-wake-up-call-behind-the-wheel;_ylc=X3oDMTEyZThnajUyBF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEc2VjA2ZwLXRvZGF5BHNsawNzbGVlcHk-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcolepsy

HTML

2007-12-19T11:12:00.000-06:00

So I've jumped on the bandwagon of blogging, even though I have a negative connonation of the word. After all, I know a bit of HTML, enough to make a web page. Does this simultaneous knowledge of HTML and having a scripted blog make me weak? Perhaps, but the continued existence of my website drives me on.

http://superman.ayerdis.com/