The Office is OURS!

Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work. But from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, a never-ending fight, I say to you, and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors!!! Employees of our dearly beloved office, I ask you, once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you the office is a bad place, with bad men. They'll conjure up images of wanton jockeys or high-rolling charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say office employees of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together, together that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland for it is together that we prevail!

My fellow employees, let us do what is in our heritage, let us take back our birthright, let us be true to the noble ideals upon which the fair office is founded. Let us take back the office! The OFFICE IS OURS!

<3 bryant
in honor of "April: The Office Is OURS" month

updates and more

dear devoted office groupies,

its been an interesting end of march at the office. whats new you ask? what isnt new?! remember that greenish, flowery, falling-to-shreds couch that was so infamously dubbed the "smallpox blanket" by one young lady? its soon to be no more. Abinadi, utilizing all the pull he has with the ladies, has scored the office a new couch. Its blue, its less pungent, its nice and freshly febreezed, and its insides are not strewn about the floor in white heaps of cottony balls. can you believe it? with the new couch, the vacuum, and the effort by gavin to rid the office of random junk its starting to become a totally new environment! whats next, a hand towel in the bathroom that looks safe to use?!

until next time
<3 bryant

the dawn of a new age

just as we can look back in history and reference the dawn of the industrial revolution, or the age of enlightenment, so is history making in the process at the office. the office, dear readers, has purchased a vacuum cleaner. let me give it moment for the shock to dissipate. yes, a vacuum; an instrument of cleaning, a tool to combat filth. this is the dawn of a new era, a time of change and revolutionizing progress! join with us to help make the office a cleaner place! oft have we lamented the pile of dishes in the sink, the smell of the blankets on the couch, or gavin's overall homely appearance...but no more! the vacuum is the symbol of a new commitment to change, to cleanliness, to order! office employees unite!

All eyes on Texas...and the Office

The dust has finally settled and the politicians have moved on to their next battle ground. Everyone was hoping Texas would pick the democratic nominee, but instead we are still in a grid lock. So while the rest of the country is debating who is better at answering early morning phone calls, I have been wondering more weighty matters. Specifically who will be the best commander and chief of the office? We need someone with charisma, who can get our dishes done by inviting over unsuspecting visitors. Someone who can get us copious episodes of the office. Someone who can correct the awful path that we have been heading down for so many weeks.
With this post I am declaring myself chair of the nomination committee, you can submit your nominations to me by commenting on this post. That is all.

New Look?

So you may be wondering why the office squawk is suddenly readable. I have decided to change the look. Part of the reason was every time I see a site with a black background I imagine some dirty adolescent sitting in his basement who hasn't seen the light of day for 3 weeks thinking; "Wow this site is so cool, people will have to take me serious with this web site...abandon all hope ye who enter here." But the other reason was to send a message to the other "contributers" of this blog. Seeing how Jesse and I are the only ones who post I figure we should be able to choose how this site looks (Jesse I'm not really set on this design, so feel free to let your creativity go wild, maybe we could add some unicorns throwing hand grenades at leprechauns). So to anyone who doesn't like how the site looks, I suggest you start pulling your weight (I know you have a lot of weight to pull Tom, but it isn't my fault you ate all those twinkies).

Time to take the office back!

After returning to my journey to the motherland I realized that things at the office aren't the same as they used to be. I first noticed something was a miss when I was attacked by what appeared to be a gang of girls in a drunken rage. I escaped only by the help of my faithful compadre's, but I can't say the same for my former roommate Tom (Tom is never at the office any more so I can only assume that he has moved into the girl's dormitory after disowning his manhood). Latter that night I heard whispers of starting a revolt to take back the office. I tossed these aside thinking they were the ravings of a lunatic. But over the past few days I have seen the slow and painful degradation of the office. So now is the time to stand and save the office. It is time for a revolution! Not just a Ron Paul Revolution (Not that this revolution will in any way interfere with our on going efforts on that front). But it is time for an Office Revolution! We must move quick or before you know it we will be smitten with a horrible curse. Andrew will be getting pedicures and Abinadi will be going to Back Street Boy concerts if we don't act quick. So office employee's of the world UNITE!

Houston Suppliment issue 2

From McSweeney's

EXCERPTS FROM
THE WORST-CASE
SCENARIO SURVIVAL
HANDBOOK FOR PEOPLE
WITH ROCKET PACKS.

BY KURT W. RADEMACHER

SITUATION NO. 103

Ending a Long-Term Relationship

Remember that when someone is breaking up with you it can be just as hard on her as it is on you. You may still wish to save the relationship, but if your partner is determined to end it, only resentment and mistrust can result from drawing out the process.

Be open and honest; this may be difficult, but it will help you heal emotionally as time passes. If possible, choose to speak first so that you can set a mature tone for the conversation and make your points dispassionately. Make eye contact as you speak. This should keep your partner's gaze from your hands while you adjust the fuel primer switch to setting X9 and the combustion-pressure selector to 200 psi, for maximum velocity.

Immediately before your now-former partner's reply, press the launch trigger for a rapid 115-degree takeoff. A sharp riposte, such as "I cheated on you first!," may be appropriate.

(Jesse writing again)
Public Service Announcement: Tired of no posts on the Office Squawk? Read my blog while you're waiting. Jesse's Blog tastes more like real Dr. Pepper.