Houston Suppliment issue 2

From McSweeney's

EXCERPTS FROM
THE WORST-CASE
SCENARIO SURVIVAL
HANDBOOK FOR PEOPLE
WITH ROCKET PACKS.

BY KURT W. RADEMACHER

SITUATION NO. 103

Ending a Long-Term Relationship

Remember that when someone is breaking up with you it can be just as hard on her as it is on you. You may still wish to save the relationship, but if your partner is determined to end it, only resentment and mistrust can result from drawing out the process.

Be open and honest; this may be difficult, but it will help you heal emotionally as time passes. If possible, choose to speak first so that you can set a mature tone for the conversation and make your points dispassionately. Make eye contact as you speak. This should keep your partner's gaze from your hands while you adjust the fuel primer switch to setting X9 and the combustion-pressure selector to 200 psi, for maximum velocity.

Immediately before your now-former partner's reply, press the launch trigger for a rapid 115-degree takeoff. A sharp riposte, such as "I cheated on you first!," may be appropriate.

(Jesse writing again)
Public Service Announcement: Tired of no posts on the Office Squawk? Read my blog while you're waiting. Jesse's Blog tastes more like real Dr. Pepper.